You know me — the very thought terrifies and mesmerizes me. Your holy fire must desire to burn me — burn every blemish from me. Nothing of me would be left. But mustn’t that be the point? The only purity in me is You, and to be more You and less me is it. So burn every thing from me. Create in me a clean heart, O God. Aren’t those the words? The ones David says?
You see me — in every moment. As I read, work, drive, sleep, write, interact… As I read the same verse of Your Word 37 times before I actually get what I’m reading because I’m so distracted…As I work half heartedly and frustratedly, not working with glorifying You in mind…As I drive weeping and screaming because it all hurts too much…As I sleep and forget about the world and the fight and avoid the things that need to be faced…As I write… or should I say not write?…As I interact with fear and anxiety, with wantonness and unprovoked intensity…
You’ve seen every moment of my life, and you’ve heard every thought. Sometimes I think nice things, Jesus, sometimes my heart has love in it, but Jesus, those nice things — that love — those things are You. The crap is me — the hiding is me. The fear and anxiety, the ungratefulness and bitterness — those are me.
But You want me. Why Jesus?
What I did is past, forgiven.
Today’s struggle is not mine alone.
You still want me.
I’m broken, I’m a mess
I run from You
I hide from You
You want me.
I love other things more than I love You
but still You love me
and still You want me.
I choose other things
before I choose You
You want me
You love me
You wait for me
to take Your hand
and hold it and walk with You
and to follow You wherever You go.
Jesus I want
to follow You wherever You go
I don’t want to chase the wind
or this world.
I don’t want to turn to the right
or to the left.
I just want my eyes to be looking into Your eyes
and my heart to be aligned with Your heart
I want to know Your heart – to weep and bleed and play as You
I want to know Your mind – to think the things you think
I want to know You to the hilt
while I breathe this air.
I want to love You as much as You love me.
Is it a terrible thing to say?
But Jesus I want to love You more
I want to love You
how You love me –