never once.

We sang this song in church today. I was struggling before we even left the house this morning, but when we started singing this, I lost it.

The past few weeks have been hard. I’ve been floating somewhere between terrified, sad, confused, excited, and thankful. I’m doing my very best to be present. And for the most part I think I’ve been doing fairly well, but it’s still challenging. Every time a “last” occurs, I sit and think about it, and feel like I’m ready to cry.

We went to Garden of the Gods today, and took a short walk, and some photos and videos…and I had to take deep breaths and blink a lot.

And yesterday I saw some friends–probably for the last time–and I left feeling sick to my stomach and ready to cry.

Every glance at the mountains, every “goodnight, love you roommates,” every time I have to say goodbye to someone else (especially when I haven’t really had a chance to tell them I’m leaving)…makes this next weekend harder and harder to keep walking towards.

I KNOW without a doubt that I’m following the Lord on this; I KNOW that it’s right….but it doesn’t make it any easier…and it certainly makes me fearful and lonely to know that I’m leaving the people I’ve been doing life with for the last year. I KNOW that I’m going somewhere familiar, and I am so thankful, but somedays familiar isn’t comforting.

So I’ve been praying a lot, and trying really hard not to jump to next Wednesday when I start life in Ohio again. I’ve been trying not to worry about what I will be doing with my time. I’ve been asking the Lord to help me stay here until I’m not here anymore, and for Him to help me be there when I get there. I’ve been thanking Him that His hand is on this, and whatever is next, and praying that I will be obedient no matter what.

And I’ve been holding back tears because of all I feel like I’m losing when I leave (though I’m gaining much too). I’ve been talking myself out of crying, and instead laughing. And the laughter’s been real, and it’s been loud, and it’s been great, but it’s still reminding me that I’m leaving this home that the Lord’s given me this last year.

So when we started singing this song, I lost it. I literally could not make my voice come out. My throat closed and throbbed, and sobs had me shaking on my chair, because I could no longer stand. This song has the words I needed to hear…it is filled with the truth that sometimes escapes me when I’m struggling. And it amazes me how God knows me. I don’t know why…He constantly shows me that He knows me better than I know myself, but for Him to know me that well…me…the girl who has walked away from Him…me who chooses Him last…me who somedays just treats Him like He’s Santa Claus, rather than my Daddy…me who takes Him for granted all of the time…GRACE.

Standing on this mountaintop

Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone

Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace

Never once, no, we never walk alone
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

(Never Once by Matt Redman)

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